The Review Of (Not) My Show

I swear to God I am not making any of this up.

I get a voicemail this morning from my friend Jenny Varhol (happy birthday!!), who is in Bay Street's Lend Me A Tenor. She tells me to go pick up a copy of today's Lake County edition of the Sentinel; I assumed there must be a good review of her show. I had bumped into Jake Vest, the Sentinel writer we love so much who lives in Eustis, reviews our shows, hosts our awards banquet, etc., after Sunday's show, and Jenny and I had eaten dinner at a table next to him at Caffe Capri. So I guess I was fresh in his memory, and he had cracked a joke at me, but I didn't expect...well, without further delay, here I present you the first few paragraphs of his review:

"Stage Romp Uses The Full Company"

Two nearly naked women on stage in Eustis, and neither one of them was Alyson Wiley.

That's good theatrical news for Eustis.

And a small town with a hospital-sized hole in the middle of it and a future full of ifs and whens can always use a little good news. More on the town later, but first, let's get back to the show.

Wiley was the lingerie ingenue of the Bay Street Players production of Noises Off, and, this being community theater, similar roles tend to be filled in show after show by the same people. It was only natural to expect Wiley to be coming on stage as soon as the clothes started coming off in Lend Me A Tenor.

But she didn't. You would have to have seen a lot of local theater to appreciate the significance of that. Many communities don't have a choice of women who are not only willing to walk around in their near-wherewithal but who are able to do so in a way that is more likely to fill theater seats than to empty them.

Okay, then he goes on to talk about the actual show and people who actually are in it, and it is a great review (yay for them!) Many things exploded in my head at once reading this.

1. I got the hook line! Everyone reads the first sentence of stuff on the front page, and the first sentence mentions "nearly naked" and my name. I'm sure many people kept reading because of the reference to nudity, but even those who didn't keep reading still picked up on my name. Spiffy.

2. "...good news for Eustis"? That I'm not on stage? Or not nearly naked? Either way, what the...did he just call me fat? Or a bad actress? Or a fat bad actress?

3. Wait, that last bit makes it seem like I had done an okay job and had looked relatively attractive in my "wherewithal". Having read previous reviews I know he liked me, or at least seemed to. (Come to think of it, the Whorehouse review mentioned me from Noises Off as well...) However, I remain concerned that second sentence is going to make people think I wasn't all that impressive nearly naked, and I seem to recall damn near starving myself and going to the gym at 5:00 a.m. five days a week to look as good as I did back then. Some of you who were in the show...wait, do any of those people still read this?...anyway, if you do, you will recall the near-hysterics I was in at the first dress rehearsal. I almost imploded with horror at walking out onstage in skivvies looking, as I saw it, like a big ol' cow. Watching the video, I'm actually somewhat pleased with my appearance. Anyway...

4. That show was almost a year ago. And I'm still getting press. Screw it, Jake Vest rules!! Who cares if people read that thinking I was bloated, my name is in the first four paragraphs of a review for a show I wasn't in!

I spent way too much copy on this, but I find this all terribly exciting. And I know it shouldn't matter what reviewers think, but Jake doesn't count as one of those usual buttholes who review shows - he's just a cool guy who wants more people to come to Eustis' theatre, and I love him for that. My mother, meanwhile, laughed (hard) and reported that she is terribly proud of the reputation I am building in the theatrical community.

In other news (I know, move on!), Stephanie and johnminbiole came to my show last night in Clermont, and that was so awesome, even though I spent the second act far more focused on not throwing up than on remembering lines or songs or maintaining energy. Made it through, though!