Karmic Retribution, Defined

God why do I feel like such a loser? Pathetic, weak, insecure loser...with low self-esteem and a diva complex to mask it. I can't be what other people want until I can be what I want, or be okay with me? Is that it?

So that "No More Drama" resolution is tanking HARD.

I feel like I've lost all my safe spaces. I've lost my homes. Nowhere to go to get away from myself, and now it's time to face me. I guess I should say "thank you" for that?

These are all things I have done to myself, all messes I have created, all things I have destroyed or at the very least muddled with my own hands.

It wasn't such a big deal, really - but it was just the absolute last thing I could possibly be expected to handle. There can be no more messes, no more disappointments...not now. I better get this promotion, dammit, because now not only do I deserve it, I NEED it. Need it in the sense that I need something to go well. I need one direction I take to be the right direction.

I feel like I've been punched squarely in the face by the one person who I thought was shielding me. But that's not what happened - I just ran into the door, fell down the stairs. I just want someone else to blame so I don't have to admit that I did anything wrong.

Too personal - I hate personal posts.

I'm stealing a happy because I don't feel like coming up with one. The rehearsal was good. And in case I feel guilty later for not coming up with an original happy (because guilt is what I do), my own happy is "Honesty". It's a happy that makes me feel hollow inside, but deep down, I'm happy for honesty.

I was so content, bordering on joyful, and now I'm back to numb again. Perhaps that means I wasn't ever all the way to happy.

But right this minute, I don't want to go back on Monday. I remember why Theatre Alyson went away the first time. I like being on stage, I like - no, I LOVE - performing, but I don't know how or when to stop. And so I end up running away. And right now, I feel like running away. Hard, without looking back.

"Maybe we won't be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for once let's just allow ourselves to be okay with whatever it is that we are."

Or something like that. Tomorrow I'll be fine. Right? ...anyone?